you lied. pity sex is amazing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
