she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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