Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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