I am midnight drunk by noon
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
