So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
