Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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