i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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