matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
