I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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