She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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