My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
