Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
