I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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