my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
