do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
