Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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