the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
