I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
