They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
