My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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