make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
