Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
