oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
