The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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