I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
