last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
