Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
