her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
