You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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