Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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