ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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