I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
