3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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