Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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