So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
