no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
