I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
