I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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