so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
time to smoke my breakfast
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
