Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
