I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
