dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
