matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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