Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
