Pants 0. Shit 1.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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