I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
