Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
