That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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