My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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