hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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