I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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