nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Never underestimate the power of titties
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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