I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
