Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
