you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
